TOP TEN HEADLINES THAT ARE NOT APRIL FOOL’S DAY JOKES

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED APRIL, 2005

I really appreciated reading through the funny fake stories posted on the blogcritics.org site but it really got me to think about real news stories that prior to actually occurring, would have been unimaginable and seemingly “fake”. Remember, 1984 and Brave New World seemed a bit far-fetched when they were published and they too became reality (to a certain extent).

(drum roll please)

10. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split over what appears to be an alleged affair between Pitt and his co-star Angelina Jolie during the filming of their recent movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. If Jennifer or anyone really wanted the truth, all they would have to do is check the current blood sample dangling off of Jolie’s neck. For me, I’d rather go long-term with Jennifer and just watch Angelina Jolie’s movies with the sound off.

9. The movie, D.E.B.S. does not debut #1 or even in the TOP 5 for movie box office gross. The Sapphic love story/action film complete with sexy adult actresses playing teenagers in full-schoolgirl attire (plaid skirts!) should have really pulled in the numbers.

NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Release an R-rated DVD version and you’ll make your money back and more!

8. That the reality TV fad would flesh out such legends as Farrah Fawcett, Anna Nicole-Smith, Brigitte Nielson, and the Gotti family. I am formally requesting, no demanding that there be a Brady Bunch reality show featuring the entire family including Oliver living in the original Brady house for 30 days! Remember that you heard it from me first!!!

7. Are you a man or mouse…or both? Ripped from the headlines of one of my own posts, Stanford University has been given the green light to create a mouse with a significant number of human brain cells. For those frightened by this Frankenstein procedure please take heed, the scientists will stop the experiment should the mouse begin exhibiting “human” traits. Mickey, can you please take off my Metallica t-shirt and step away from my blog?

6. Hillary Clinton continues to dress up for Halloween early, as a right-leaning democrat in her bid for the 2008 Presidential election. With her gradually changing viewpoints on abortion, preventive sex, the positive and necessary impact of faith and religion for families and of course her bid to allow the Government to take a larger role in the media’s impact (negative) on children, Hillary is getting second-glances from all involved. I’ll admit that she will certainly make it interesting but how can you take her seriously after she stayed with her husband after he not only cheated on her, but also publicly humiliated her as badly as Bill did with the Lewinsky scandal?

5. After his battles with the FCC and Clear Channel, Howard Stern decides to leave “free” radio for Sirius Radio and it has absolutely nothing to do with his $500 million dollar contract (sic). Honest…hello…?

4. Music artist Michael Jackson actually goes to court to face the charges of child molestation rather than succeed in paying off the alleged victim.

RUMOR KILLER: There is no truth that Michael would sing “Beat It” during his “slumber parties” with his little friends.

JURY STILL OUT: That Michael Jackson gave the idea to the producers of “Homo Alone” after spending the weekend with Maccauley Culkin.

3. Steroid user and baseball oddball, Jose Canseco actually looks like the most honest man in America when his book “outs” other baseball players who used steroids. Homerun hitters, and “coincidentally” the only players who hit more homeruns than Roger Maris and his single season record, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire all deny using steroids and call Canseco “crazy”. Actually, McGwire just quacked like a duck.

2. A Florida woman is taken off of her feeding and tube and starved for almost two weeks as a bitter legal battle ensues between her loving parents and her adulterous husband and father of multiple children (sired with his girlfriend). Oh, and the legal battle from the husband’s side is funded with money awarded to him through a medical malpractice suit with the intent to financially take care of his wife’s medical care.

1. The leader of the United States and the free world, President George W. Bush heads the spread of democracy and peace throughout the Middle East and also the Ukraine and is actually demonized by the French (the French!), Germany and our own very warm, liberal media. What’s the frequency Dan Rather?

THOSE THAT ALMOST MADE THE CUT:

Kofi Annan, head of the United Nations, whose son Kojo is tied into the current “oil for food” scandal involving Saddam Hussein, would be against the United States going to war with Iraq. Did I mention that the French, Germany, Russia and again our cuddly liberal media agree with Kofi?

Again from my posts, Chris Rock challenges a liberal media audience (Hollywood) with anti-Bush jokes at this year’s Oscar telecast. As previously described, without his trademark raunchy humor and strong language, Rock had no choice but to go for the “jugular” by criticizing the President and throwing red meat to Tim Robbins.

MOST HONORABLE MENTION:

Michael Moore DOES NOT win or even get nominated in the BEST FILM EDITING category at the Oscars. What were they thinking? His film is the most creatively woven tale derived from so much footage it makes an MTV music video seem almost motionless.